Yes, and .... No?

Warren Buffet says “the difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.” On the other side of the table is the improv idea of “Yes, and…” 

“Yes, and…” has become very popular in our culture. We hear it everywhere: sit-coms, movies, business articles. In fact, I can’t mention I improv without someone going “Oh, ‘yes, and…’!” Like, somehow, improv is that easy.

How does “yes, and…” allow for a “no”?

In fact, I had a vice-principal use that on me once. We were talking in a group and he threw out a few jabs at my expense. You know, all in good fun, right? Well, sure, if it’s the right time and right relationship. He could see I was struggling with the joke and trying not to get overly defensive, at which point, he chuckled and tossed this in my face: “C’mon, Van Haecke, you do improv; yes, and… right?” Well, yes and no.

The idea of “Yes, and…” is accept and build. When we’re in a scene or a situation, let’s not stop the dialogue or the conversation. I’m going to listen to your idea, accept it, and build on it. I may not agree with it, but I will accept it. Then, I’m going to build on it and offer it to you. In that moment, whether you agree or not, you accept and build. “Yes, and..” doesn’t mean agreement, it means acceptance. “Yes, and…” equals “accept and build.” As we build together, we come to an idea, a concept, or a moment of comedic gold, that we both agree on. 

Back to Buffet. Saying “no” to almost everything is also important. It sets boundaries. It protects you as a person, as a human. If you’re so busy saying “yes” to everything, you’re plate is going to get overloaded. It’ll tip or, even worse, break. When you say “yes” to everything, somewhere, you’re saying “no” to something else, something you didn’t even see coming. You could end up completely out of life, work, family balance. And, I know many of us are experiencing that. I know I have been. 

Back to the VP: while I’m always working to build healthy, mature relationships, that still takes time and effort. From both parties. While we had a decent working relationship, I didn’t feel we had much of a personal relationship. Maybe he saw it differently, but his jab at my expense, I felt, overstepped whatever boundaries we had. I can’t describe our relationship prior to that, but afterward, I always felt on edge, high-alert, whenever I was around him. That feeling got in the way of us ever strengthening our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good person and now, a great principal; we just never were able to fully connect.

So, you can have it both ways to be very successful: subscribe to “Yes, and…” and say “no” to almost everything. We say “yes, and..” to support ideas; we say “no” to establish boundaries.

Yes, and… gives us permission to choose to say no in order to set boundaries.