Fear v1.0

I’ve started this post countless times in my head since this morning. It’s now almost 2. 

And so, why is that? It’s Fear. Earlier this year, I started thinking about what Fear looks like. Here’s what I came up with:

Slay Your Fear!

• Procrastination

• Lack of motivation

• Stomach / headache

• Easily distracted

  • Facebook

  • Laundry

  • Ooo, a text message

  • What’s happening in the world?

  • Cyclones!

• I’ll just close my eyes for 15 minutes

Obviously, it’s important to recognize Fear when it gets in our way. I think, for me, today, my Fear boils down to two things: Imposterism and Perfectionism.

Imposterism

Who do I think I am?

A lot of definitions or ideas about imposterism are available. For me, it’s that feeling that I’m 22 or 23 again and walking into a job on my first day. It doesn’t matter that I know I’m a good writer, teacher, improvisor. It’s like I’m starting from scratch and have to prove myself not only to everyone else but also, most importantly, to myself. 

It also plays into my hesitation of writing about improvisation. Here’s how it sounds: “Who am I? I perform in Des Moines; it’s not the Mecca that is Chicago. I’m not a well-known name in the improvisation world. What can I say differently that everyone else has already said?” Sigh. 

So, I have to remember that I am unique and I do have my own valid thoughts and ideas on … well, almost anything. I am worthy. And sometimes, what helps me is acknowledging my feelings of being an imposter and punching through anyway. Just start typing. Just start improvising, teaching, leading. ...and yet, I hesitate even now. But look how much I’ve written already! 

If you’re out there, feeling like an imposter, you’re not alone. Contact me and we can be imposters together.  Although, to paraphrase Groucho Marx, I’m not sure I’d want to be a member of a club that would have me.

Perfectionism

The cold irony here is I would tell my students that the writing process isn’t a quick track to the answer. You have to start writing to get your ideas out. Then go back and revise them. And then, do it again. And again. ...and again. 

As a perfectionist, I want it to be right the first time. Nuts to that - listen to myself and the advice I gave my students. 

Applied Improvisation

Some of my greatest learning moments on stage or in a rehearsal came when I performed with someone I look up to, someone I often felt not worthy of sharing a stage with. However, doing so, I knew I had to up my game. The response from the audience was fantastic. More so, though, was the response from my scene partner, that look or nod that says “There ya’ go; I knew you had it in you.” Most importantly, though, was that building block of confidence that I gave myself. When you’re feeling the Imposter speaking to you, tell it to shut the hell up. Remind yourself of all that you’ve accomplished, all your successes, all your fails, all of you. 

Improvisors don’t have time for perfectionism. Again, I can taste the irony, so bitter, so delicious, so fulfilling. When I’m writing, I’m total perfectionist and it slows me down. My mind wanders - did my phone just beep? I know there’s something important happening on Facebook. I’ll just get a quick treat. Anything to save me from “sitting at the keyboard and” bleeding (nod Hemingway). Yet, yet, yet, on a good day? When the juices are flowing? I can lose myself in writing. So, my take away? Be the improvisor at the keyboard, rather than the writer.

So, let’s open this up. What does Fear look like for you? How do you deal with imposterism? Perfectionism? Drop some comments!